Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Taking up the Sword of the Spirit, the Word of God

I had a dream last night. My mom was in it. I walked up to her and gave her a big hug, and saw her smiling face, and heard her voice, and just felt her closeness. It was so real. And in my dream, I was so relieved to know that she was okay.

But then I woke up. And I got that 'ick' feeling all over again. It washes down from your head all the way to the tips of your toes, and it just feels, well, 'ick', as you realize the truth all over again. That awful, terrible, empty feeling of loss that almost has a physical pain with it. Man, I hate mornings like that!

Now, I know what I believe in, I know WHO I believe in, and I know what my faith stands solid on. But that doesn't keep Satan from trying to knock me down. Losing my mom was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and the tormentor, the one who walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour, has been doing his best to 'get at me' during my time of loss.
He throws all kinds of lies and doubts at me, and just as I start to feel myself falling, I throw this right back at him:

When I hear: "You'll never actually see your mom again, all your hope, all your belief, is just silliness", I come back with: "No, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" 2 Cor. 5:8. And also: "For this is the will of My Father, that everyone who beholds the Son and believes in Him will have eternal life, and I Myself will raise him up on the last day." John 6:40

When I feel doubt as to whether I can actually continue on day to day without her there, I remember when Jesus said that He came to bring us life, and that in abundance.

When her face, laying there in her hospital bed is all that will fill my mind, I choose instead to dwell on this: "God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

And so, that stack of Bibles and devotionals you see in the picture above stays in an easily-accessible place in our kitchen. When I find myself missing mom through the day, feeling empty and alone, I pull out His Word and am reminded that I am never alone. My doubts, my fears, go running away. "And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." Eph. 6:17

4 comments:

Chuck said...

honest
open
vulnerable

thanks for sharing jaime

Elizabeth said...

Praise God. Anyone who says God is not a personal God needs to get to know you better---well, actually they need to know Jesus better. He loves us so much and I can see His great faithfulness in you every day. I saw it in your mom too and I look forward to the day when all of the pain and temptations of this world are done for and we will receive our 'rewards'---being together will probably be the best 'reward' of all!

Love you and thanks so much for sharing

Anonymous said...

Hi Jamie - I had some dreams like that after my mom died too (still do)....and you're right, it feels terrible when you wake up. It might sound crazy, but when I just can't stand it any longer and have such an ache in my heart, I ask Jesus to give her a hug for me. The Word tells us that he understands and knows our pain which makes me firmly believe that he'll give her that hug. I don't know what it is, but there's a comfort that comes from that. I know you'll keep going to Him for your peace and he is so faithful and gives so freely. Keeping all of you in my prayers.
Dana

plantmyappletree said...

It is an amazing post, Jamie and such a witness of what a great woman you are! Thanks for sharing this fight with us so honestly.

I have never seen my Mom in a dream and it's over three years now, but I know that terrible feeling of waking up and realising the truth of her passing again and again and again - I hated it so much for the first month and I am still thankful, that it faded finally.

But you are so right - the hope we have is stronger and it is the link between our mothers and us - death is not stronger than this promise!

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